The Weight of Uncertainty

Interlude of being

To describe life recently would be to say I’m in a space that is neither crisis nor wellness. From a third-person perspective, you’d see the Milky Way—a spiral of white light against the black canvas of space. But zoom in with hypothetical spectral glasses, and you’d witness nebulas, planets, and stars in all their states. It’s like feeling nothing and everything at once.

As I move through different parts in retrospection, I look at events and situations differently—sometimes with fondness and warmth, other times with sadness, regret, or disappointment. Lately, this feeling has been triggered by comparing my current phase of life to where I had hoped to be. Even when I remind myself that everyone has their own timing and path, and that many factors affecting my lifestyle and abilities are beyond my control, the hedonistic urge to want more from this short life remains ever-present. This isn’t the first time I’ve been in a similar phase, but it’s the first time these feelings have been this intense. The big plus is that I’ve maintained my streak of no hospitalizations since Easter last year. Hopefully, I can reach a full year and surpass it—with a whole lot of prayer, consistent weightlifting, staying on top of my medication and supplements, and everything else that helps me avoid a sickle cell crisis.

At its core, the 'in-between' has always been a state of uncertainty—wondering whether my actions will bear fruitful or negative outcomes, and fearing the wrong decision. What I am certain of, though, is that inaction in this phase is probably the worst decision, as it leads to missed opportunities to learn. At the end of the day, I just want to approach my actions with a healthy dose of optimism and kindness. Easier said than done—just like everything, to be honest. As I mentioned in a previous post, consistency is the hard part, but today, I came across a quote that inspired me. “The greatest trick the devil ever played was making you believe that the pessimists are the good guys.” - Packy McCormick. Moving forward, I’ll need to remind myself that things will improve with a more positive outlook—because even when drifting through the in-between, perspective matters. Until next time, I hope your path is a blessed one.

Jon